"What Is This? " was written in a moment when I knew I was losing the very most important thing in my life.

Two people meeting on the internet, and then in person, facing challenges of medical hardships. Something that quickly became friendship, and so much more. Someone I came to trust and love like I had never before.

But still my best friend's getting closer to death and leaving me waiting to hear from him or see him more, brought about feelings of insecurity and disappointment as well as anger for not being there when I needed him. I knew that no matter how ill I was I could find a way to communicate with my very best friend, and I couldn't understand how his absences only brought excuses of illness. I would be there through his mood changing illness, I would understand and be there, but had to do so cautiously of a forbidden love.

How could I care so much for someone who was so cold at times? Was it the brief moments that were filling our days and nights initially with unspeakable caring and passion? Those moments were disappearing and it seemed so was the mutual concern. I was supposed to back away and I did. I wasn't supposed to drown him with all that I cared for him. I was just supposed to respond to his moods and his questions and trust that he still loved me as he had once said he did. And I could because he was not just someone I loved, but he was my best friend. Just knowing he was there brightened my day, and made me forget my own problems but my own health took my patience away for tolerating his absence and he couldn't seem to understand that.

Now he's gone with best wishes for what's left of our lives and still I can't help but question how can I still love this person so very much? What is this? Is THIS love?